Special Dates

No matter how well intentioned we are as parents, we are all making mistakes we won’t understand for a few decades. I worry, just a little, that these special dates might be one of them. Not the dates themselves, because we have the best time. But the way the kids have to earn them. I hope my girls never feel like they have to “earn” my attention.

Anyway, we do this thing where the kids earn tickets for doing chores and they can cash them in for money, stuff from “the mom store” (a bin I keep full of random treasures and treats) or they can save them up for a special date. The girls all cashed in last week with the latter.

February and March (okay let’s be honest, January through April) can be long hard months where the dark days and the cold weather invite more grouchies. The squabbling has gotten very tiresome lately and I always know that the solution is to spend one on one time with them. So the timing could not have been better.

Monday after school I walked to meet them at the bus in the biting air and bright sunshine. These wild girls, clad in summer clothing, ran toward me and I swung each of them around in turn. As we tromped home, Flora asked what we would do for her special date. I told her I had several options and I’d list them off ending with the one I thought she’d most want. After I listed the first one she said “I have an idea!” I cut her off “Let me say the last thing! What about going to DI to pick out anything you want and then going to Zaxby’s for a Niblerz?” “MOOOOOM! YOU READ MY MIND!!!!!”

Flora, as a person, is full of surprises. But I have to say that I’m reaaaaaaally good at reading her mind. (Or maybe she’s just really predictable about what she wants. Whatever.) It’s a 20 minute drive and it took me about 4 minutes of “Mmmhmmm” and “yeah” before I realized I wasn’t giving Flora my full attention. I clocked in and discovered that this child, feeling the anticipation of this worked for event, was oozing charm and whimsy out of every pore. She had jokes. She had stories. She had questions.

In those moments when a child feels seen and cared for individually, not just as a member of the family unit, they cannot help but exude joy and enthusiasm. They drop their defenses and show their full sparkling self. Flora was absolutely shimmering. I followed her around the thrift store as she picked up toys “Millie would love this one!” “Georgia would love this one!” She kept asking if she could pick things to gift them, but she wasn’t finding something that really hit for her. Then, as if illuminated, this very pink, very fluffy, very big thing caught her eye. Imagine a giant unicorn stuffy had a baby with a sleeping bag. “THIS IS IT, MOM! THIS IS IT! THIS IS WHAT I KNEW I WANTED. Can I take it to Idaho with us?”

With our upcoming visit to an old farmhouse in Idaho, she was aware that she’d be sleeping on the floor and for almost 2 months she’s been worried about it. The girl who sleeps under her bed a few nights a week, who crashes on her sisters’ floor or in the basement without any problem, has asked me dozens of times how she will be able to sleep on the floor in Idaho. I kept telling her that we had sleeping bags. But none of them were HER sleeping bag.

I don’t know if she had imagined this thing into existence and willed it to be there waiting at the thrift store for us, or if it had been there calling out to her and she simply answered the call. But there it was. Queue the song “Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows“. Flora was downright giddy. And it cost me $5 so I was too.

As we drove to Zaxby’s I begged her to stop snuggling it. You never know what donated things have seen in their previous lives. I couldn’t wait to get it into a hot soapy soak. But she kept wrapping it around herself and making indecipherable happy sounds. Once she had her chicken slider in hand, she set it down and started making “Mmmm” sounds. “This is sooooooo goooood! This is why it’s my faaaavorite.”

My favorite is how she pronounces them as “Nib-uh-lerz”. And while we are talking about the way she says things… I hope she always says “Backgrounding” instead of background, “at gleast” instead of at least, and “cheese gwon-tons” instead of cheese wontons.

She asked me to take a bite of her sandwich but we were headed to meet RJ and the girls for our regular dinner with Dawna and I didn’t want to steal a single nibble of her favorite Nib-uh-lerz joy. But it smelled good and my stomach started to pinch. So when she insisted for the 3rd time, I took the tiniest bite. And honestly, I love that when my kids love something, their instinct is to share it. Because joy shared is joy doubled. And I was able to say “Oh yeah. That IS good.” and she felt validated.

We pulled into Dawna’s parking lot at the same time as RJ, G and Millie. Flora couldn’t wait to show them her sleeping bag. Afterwards as we drove home, just me and her, to finish our date, she thanked me over and over for “the best best time”. She’ll never understand that it was really and truly MY pleasure.

Tuesday was Georgia’s turn. I anticipated leaving right after school but she wasn’t in a hurry and wanted to mess around at home until after dinner. For someone who was counting down to this event, she was sure dawdling. We were both ready, yet I sat in the car for 10 minutes before she came out. Then she went back in to give Flora another goodbye hug. But none of that bothered me. I was ready to give her all my focus.

She wanted to browse the mall and get a pretzel with nacho cheese. If I’m being honest, I was a little nervous. The mall was one of my favorite hangs as a kid, but as an adult it’s a place that creeps me out. And the Newgate Mall has a storied past. When I’ve had to go there, it’s always directly where we need to go and straight out. And never without feeling a little unsafe.

As we drove, Georgia pulled out her classic questions. “If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?” and I pulled out my classic answer, “Flying!” She always says “me too” but then quickly adds a few others she’s also considering. This time she said “Okay, pick at least 5 or less.” “At least 5 means more than five but ‘or less’ means less than five. Which is it?” “AT LEAST FIVE OR LESS!” I couldn’t stop laughing. When she listed invisibility among hers I said I would never want to be invisible because I don’t want to accidentally hear things not meant for my ears. She said “Well, I would only use invisibility for evil” When I burst into laughter again she said “I mean to DEFEAT evil!” But it was too late. The damage was done. I was slaphappy.

I thought the first store we entered had clothes in her size but it was only women’s. As we walked through she kept saying “Mom! You should get this!” And actually, she found a fantastic skirt for $10, so I did get it! She’s an amazing hype girl.

Although her perusing isn’t methodical, Georgia took her time in each store, bouncing from one area to another like a pinball, slowly examining what caught her eye. After making a purchase or getting her fill of that store, she reluctantly left and then quickly headed to the next one that interested her. “Okay, hon. I think we better get going soon.” “Can we please just go to another 5 or 7 stores?” Her favorites were The Quilted Bear (where I bought her a stuffy), Claire’s (where she spent a gift card she had from Lisa) and Bath and Body Works (where she bought herself hand sanitizer).

It was cute how excited she was to spend her own money. Noticing how grown up she acted as she approached each register, I tried to give her space as she checked out. But oh my goodness. She had tons of change but if the bill was $1.10, she’d give them two dollars instead of a dollar and dime. It’s always the dumbest things that set off my over-controlling nature. I had to take a deep breath over coins. I really am the problem.

Finally, after 3 hours of shopping, she was ready for her pretzel and cheese. Most of the stores were closing, but we sat at a cafe table, clinking ‘cheers’ with pretzel bites, and laughing over nothing and everything. I couldn’t help but see 10 year old Georgia as 15 year old Georgia. But I also couldn’t help but love 15 year old Georgia as much as I love 10 year old Georgia, and all the other Georgia’s she’s been and will be. I love her quirky style and generosity and long stories and creativity and contagious giggle. And I love her schadenfreude and relentlessness and white lies. This week she asked me how she’s changed since she was little. I thought hard. Actually, she hasn’t changed much. She’s mostly refined and matured in those things that she’s always been. “Destructo mode” became “constructo mode” but I guess it was always creativity.

When we got home she gave a full report to RJ of everything we saw and did. Georgia reported how kind and helpful employees were (and I guarantee she was the sweetest customer they had all night.) The girls were thrilled to see her treasures and the pictures she took of things she thought they’d like. But the part that seemed most significant in her report was “Mom just kept laughing at everything I said! I don’t know why!” Oh, she knows why. Because she’s loved.

Wednesday was Valentine’s Day, which was full of class parties, our Activity Day visit to the assisted living center and “heart attack” of the Leininger family, then ninja and tumbling, then Millie’s scavenger hunt for Landon, and finally a steak dinner made by RJ.

Tragically, Millie had gotten into a squabble on the way home from Landon’s. Trying to keep things light, but wanting to diffuse the situation before our family dinner, I said to the girls in a jokey way “Okay, well, once you guys have figured this out, come on inside for dinner!” Shortly after, Georgia came in tattling on Millie “Whoops! Sounds like you haven’t sorted it yet!” As I smiled and pushed her back into the garage. Flora and Georgia came inside and joined us at the table but Millie remained. I went to check on her but she didn’t want to come in. RJ went to check on her. Then he did what he always does. He made it awesome. between the grimy cars in the nasty garage, he set up a folding table and brought out her fancy dinner on china and even lit her a candle. She enjoyed a romantic dinner by herself. And we enjoyed no squabbling at the table!

Finally on Thursday it was Millie’s turn. We began with a stop at the post office to mail her “Flat Millie” off to Hawaii.

Millie is, without question, decisive. She doesn’t always know what she wants, but she always knows what she doesn’t want. And if she wants something, she is absolutely fixated on it until it’s hers. Having seen a picture of a stuffy axolotl that Georgia thought she’d like, Millie wanted to go to the mall for her special date as well. However, Millie hates shopping. She hates errands. She hates dawdling. So although she wanted to try this ‘browsing’ thing that Georgia had done, she was more… skulking around rather than browsing. We started in The Quilted Bear so she could get her axolotl stuffy. I think it’s a great sign for their friendship that she also spent most of the time noticing what her sisters would like. She too had a Claire’s gift card from Lisa. She wanted, per Georgia’s recommendation, a specific item. But with the leftover money, she was floundering at what to choose. Finally she made her purchases and even got to swipe the card herself.

The other girls seemed so excited to be out on our dates, but Millie seemed anxious more than anything. She just hates shopping I told myself. But there’s something that always fixes a weird mood. FOOD! And the mall has a boba shop which I knew would bring a smile for her. She ordered a coconut smoothie with strawberry popping boba and as we sat at the table, she finally loosened up and got silly and smiley. She started noticing things “do they keep that fireplace on in summer?” and her eyes would follow a curiously dressed passerby and she’d look at me and smirk. As she slurped up her boba she laughed and made commentary. Once she was full she declared that we still needed to make one more stop.

Her friend Hazel had recently purchased some platform boots that Millie wanted more than anything. We texted her mom to find out where they were from and she said they’d been on sale at Famous Footwear. Millie had brought her wallet. They had two colors, one of which was bright pink with silver sparkles. She NEEDED them. Unfortunately, they were no longer on sale. Also she forgot to put her money in the wallet and I told her she’d have to come back once she had found it. She left the mall determined. We got home and her sisters wanted to hear about her date, but she just wanted to find that money and go back. We searched. No dollars to be found anywhere. But somehow she scrounged up coins from her piggy banks and other collections. I had looked online and found the shoes for half the price, although only in the tan color. Nope. She needed the pink. With 15 minutes before closing, we returned to the mall, this time with Georgia in tow, and she counted out $47.80 mostly in coins. The cashier was very young, but very patient and said she’s never counted this much change before! Millie was not even aware of the world around her. All she could think about was the pink boots. And they were now hers. I couldn’t tell if she’d had a nice date. But I know she was happy about the boots.

The gas light had been on for some time so we stopped for gas on the way home. Millie and Georgia got into a squabble and to be honest, I was exasperated. Thinking back to Valentine’s where my joking but serious throwback to 80’s parenting was somewhat successful, I tried another throwback. In the gas station I smiled and in the cheeriest (although tinged with sarcasm) voice said “Well, I guess if you’re fighting, you’re walking! Get out!” “You’re not serious.” I smiled serenely and said “I am” and opened the sliding door.

Georgia and Millie climbed out into the rain and started running. I drove alongside them through the Costco parking lot. Once they got to the store entrance they tried to get back in but I heard a snarky comment and I said “Ope. I guess we are still walking!” They grabbed hands and giggled and ran the rest of the way to where the parking lot meets the street and I finally let them back in. They climbed in, out of breath and laughing. For the record, I don’t think this was great parenting. But it did work to get them to stop fighting in this particular case. So I’ll take the one-time win.

It had been a full week, with special dates and parties and many other responsibilities. I had mommed hard all week. And now, with the special dates off the list, I could focus on the next thing. With no school Friday or Monday, we had a road trip planned! So on Friday I dragged the girls around town to get groceries and then we drove to Grace, Idaho with the Williams. Georgia tried to smuggle a chicken in the car but I caught on too quick.

We spent a wonderful weekend in the snow, enjoying the cows, Lava Hot springs, movie nights, church, games and, to my amazement, NO FIGHTING. My brain was quiet all weekend. The girls were happy. RJ got to have the house to himself! It was a win all around. We even stopped in Preston on our way home to visit the Bosens where each of the girls has a doppelgänger. Cherry on top!

When we got home, after several days of togetherness, even sleeping with a child wrapped around me, I thought it would be nice be to have a moment alone. I ran a bubble bath. And they all joined me.

We returned instantly to the grind of life – dentist appointments, meetings, chores, homework, ninja and tumbling… our standard breakneck pace. I do love this life. I don’t wish we did less. I just wish we also had time to simply BE and not always DO. And now, Thursday of the following week, I’m enjoying my first moment alone in a very long time. I had to spend the first hour of it zoning out and laughing at dumb memes on the internet.

But now it feels good to reflect. Now is my special date with myself. Fresca in hand, sitting in my favorite spot in the whole world, I’m cashing in all my ‘mom tickets’ for what I most wanted to do.

And this makes me think that yeah, there’s something wrong with this idea that we need to EARN special time. Why can’t I give myself permission to do what I want to do without having to earn it? Why do my girls have to do chores just to go out with me? I mean, I know the answer. The answer is that we have made our lives too busy that we don’t have time to do it unless it’s scheduled in as a special treat. I don’t think earning a prize of time is inherently bad. I just wish it wasn’t the only time we did it.

Seriously, parenting is hard. Does anyone ever feel like they’re doing it right? Honestly, if they did, they’re probably doing it wrong. I guess that’s the nature of it all. We just do our best and hope that our kids know that, in spite of our flaws, we love them. And we hope that we are building enough grit in them to get them through the hard stuff and enough softness in them to make it worth living. And when all else fails, a snack usually does the trick.